The Life of a Late Night Talk Show Host

Some people have asked me what it takes to pull this whole thing together, so I've decided to give y'all a Wednesday in the life.

Please note that I've already filmed 2 skits: 5 supremely-hungover-and-fun hours on one - "The Revenant 2 Trailer," and another 4 fun hours on the other - "The Stalker," and written 5 jokes in the previous days leading up to the show (Scouring Canadian News (So You Don't Have To) takes an hour or so out of each day sitting at Tim Hortons to look through CBC.ca and theherald.ca for possible punchlines, plus an entire evening dedicated to "writers room" a Monday night which usually procures the skeleton of a punchline or two through the consumption of alcohol and good times (and bad times).

Below is a timeline of my life in chronological order. Everything you read is true. Viewer discretion is advised.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

9:00am- Wake up. Lie in bed in the fetal position, weep quietly to myself while cat meows at me.

9:30am- Arise, pace around the house in a haze of crippling self-doubt. Pump myself up by widely beating my own chest like a gorilla, scream at the sky. Make coffee, iron suit. Shit, shave, and shower.

10:30am- Leave house, head to Tim Hortons. Sausage English Muffin, hash brown, Pack of ten timbits (half raspberry fill, half honey crueller), extra large double double: Begrudgingly Breakfast.

11:15am- Drive to Michaels in Signal Hill for rose petals and construction paper, stop at the Walmart beforehand to pick up new cue cards and more rose petals. Forget to purchase cue cards, realize in the parking lot, fuck it.

11:30am- arrive at Michaels. Rose petals are $18.00 a pack. Buy two anyways. Look for construction paper, it's over priced as well. Do not buy construction paper. Luckily there's a Staples next door. Buy cue cards. Go to the Indigo next door to see if my friend Tom is working. He's not. Sound guy Eric Jessee texts me, he's going to be late. Go to Tim Hortons.

11:45am- Sneak into the Signal Hill Tim Hortons with the coffee I already purchased, frantically writing cue cards for the evening. Find a good news story, write another joke.

12:20pm- Drive to Calgary Show Services, meet Eric Jessee. After our obligatory terrible white-man hand shake, we load all sound equipment into his van. Drive to The Plaza to drop off.

2:00pm- All sound equipment had been loaded in, with subs and mains pre-set up for ease later. Say goodbye to Eric Jessee with another grossly negligent hand shake, continue writing cue cards while waiting for Village Beer to drop off order (this in itself is a blessing, as for half of 2015 I used to go pick up the beer from the brewery myself, and low-ride my poor Toyota Camry across the city with a ton of beer in the backseat).

3:30pm- Cue Cards are almost done. Village Beer has come and gone. Time to get sandwiches from Peppinos. Call Peppinos, walk over and grab them, purchase one for myself. Head back to The Plaza, eat said sandwich. It's spicy and delicious.

4:00pm- finish writing cue cards. Text Karlee, give her an update that I didn't finish the wallpaper heart that I was supposed to bust through at the beginning of the show. She doesn't think my entrance will be epic enough without it. Begin building wallpaper heart.

4:15pm- I can't find any sharpies to draw the fucking heart. Walk to Kensington Art Supplies. No sharpies. Drive to Shoppers Drug Mart. No sharpies. Drive to Home Depot on 16th Ave. Grand success. Sharpies.

4:45pm- Get back to the Plaza, start drawing heart. Karlee and Lourdes show up at sometime. We watch a video, make some changes to the schedule. Continue drawing/colouring in heart.

6:00pm- Concession person shows up, grab tills for the first show. Kyle shows up. Finish heart, take to the front of the theatre.

6:30pm- Karlee, Lourdes, and Kyle leave I think. Work concession for The Big Short at 7:00.

7:00pm- Leave concession, close theatre doors, run up to the projection booth, press start.

7:02pm- Weep quietly in my office while doing box office cash out. Call in the numbers. Hide disdain.

7:15-9:04pm- Volunteers arrive intermittently, more changes to the show schedule. Decorations begin to be placed. Kyle and I bring the bar up from the basement. The band shows up, the burlesque dancers begin to show up. Katrina and I distribute expensive rose petals into popcorns bags so people can throw them at my face later.

9:05pm- The Big Short goes into credits. There's a mad dash by the members of Freak Motif and volunteers and I to get the stage set up. Death Machine is getting his makeup done, Eric Jessee is championing the art of multitasking as he mics up a 9-piece band, Karlee organizes volunteers and sound-checks videos with Lourdes, Norbert and Elisa setup cameras, Toby sets up the bar, Kaylene and Brit arrive, Mike Johnson finalizes sports, Kyle puts on his baby diaper. I find him some rainbow suspenders to help. He doesn't use the rainbow suspenders.

9:50pm- The band is almost setup, the desk is setup, volunteers sort of organized for my entrance. The lobby is filling up with people. I go to get changed.

10:00pm- Soundcheck is almost done, suit and tie are on, hair frazzled properly, teeth brushed. I begin my pre show ritual of rapping WorldWide Choppers by TechN9ne to get my jaw properly limbered. The burlesque dancers changing in the next room snicker appropriately. The audience can be heard whooping in the lobby.

10:10pm- Showtime.

11:45 (or so)pm- The show comes to a close. I kiss my girlfriend Sally. Then sit in the audience and watch Sabo Forte and Andy Sparachino from Blist rap with Freak Motif, and smile. I say my hellos and goodbyes and thank you's and no thank you's with the remaining members of the audience, as volunteers begin to clean up beer bottles in the auditorium. Go get changed. Begin to wrap cables and clean up sound system, Eric Jessee goes to grab his van. He arrives in the alley, the van is covered with graffiti. We all lose our fucking minds.

12:45am- Sound system is put away, the last of the lingerers are almost out, I check the emergency exits, shut down the projector, and turn off the lights. Go to Sidestreet for a beer.

2:30am- Luckily this week there is no after party. Go home with the girlfriend. Sleep.

8:30am- Wake up. Lie quietly weeping to myself as the cat watches me. Feed cat. Have shower with girlfriend, put on laundry.

9:30am- Go for breakfast with Sally and roommate at Vendome. Very tired. Listen to them talk.

10:30am- Sally drops me off at my car which I left at The Plaza. Drive home, change over laundry. Head back to The Plaza. Change marquee for the day, sweep up cigarette butts out front, clean washrooms. Vacuum lobby. Yell.

12:15pm- Drive home to change over laundry. Drive back, pick up any leftover refuse and beer bottles in the theatre, then use a leaf-blower to push all popcorn, napkins, and rose petals to the front of the theatre. Find $1.25. Celebrate. Mop bathrooms, concession, and all rows of theatre. Mop the stage twice. Thanks, baby powder. Sometimes at this point I have the energy to return the beer bottles to the depot. This was not one of those times.

4:00pm- Go for lunch. It's overpriced but good. End up playing "The Simpsons: Tapped Out" until 5:00.

5:00pm- Return to theatre, do cash out on concession till from last night.

6:00pm- Karlee arrives for concession shift. Talk about next weeks show.

Repeat.

And there you have it folks! Thank you for reading, and for supporting Late Night at The Plaza every couple of weeks. I love you all.

If you don't know who Logan Cameron is that's a big problem as he is one of our fearless leaders and Late Night at The Plaza host extraordinaire.

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